I remember...

Has it been 5 years already? It feels like yesterday - it's not possible it's been 5 years. I remember going to the doctor for a check up and planning before we decided to try to get pregnant. We got the green light from the doc that everything was good and we started planning our family.  I remember that we were very conscious of the risks and didn't tell anyone we were expecting until after 12 weeks had passed. I remember reading every book and article I could find on pregnancy. I remember the positive test and telling Bobby he was going to be a daddy.
We were several weeks past the end of the first trimester.I remember being relieved. I remember most of the weekend pretty clearly. I remember I didn't feel well but since it was my first pregnancy, I didn't realize anything was wrong. I remember thinking the "mass" in my belly was the baby snuggled up to one side. I had no idea it was NOT the baby. I remember having pain for several days but I thought it was the ligament pain I'd read about in all of the pregnancy books and websites. I remember the evening of the 7th - feeling crappy and talking to Bobby on the phone telling him I didn't feel good so I was going to bed. I remember I was a wacky pregnant woman who couldn't get comfortable in the bed so Bobby would get up and go sleep on the couch if he wanted to get any sleep. I remember that night he went to the couch. I remember waking up in the 3 o'clock hour due to pain in my abdomen. I remember laying in bed for a few minutes before realizing that the pain was coming in regular intervals. I remember a few seconds later that it hit me that labor pains come in regular intervals. I remember thinking, I'm in my second trimester, this is too early. I remember thinking this is wrong - it's too soon. I remember getting out of bed to go get Bobby to take me to the hospital. I remember calmly calling out for Bobby to wake him. I remember only making hit halfway across the bedroom floor before I felt something like a pop and my water broke. I remember the understanding of how bad things were washing over me. I remember screaming for Bobby and falling to the floor in a futile effort to protect our baby and saying over and over "It's too soon, this isn't supposed to be happening. It's too soon, this isn't supposed to be happening." I remember the horrified look on Bobby's face as he walked in the bedroom to see me curled up on the floor crying and repeating the same thing over and over. I don't remember at what point I was able to pull myself together - that's kind of blurry - but I remember getting up and going to the closet to get dressed. I remember the long drive to the emergency room. I remember the pain of labor - contractions hitting me hard every few minutes during the 45 minutes drive. I remember telling Bobby not to speed. I remember telling him to prepare himself for the worst. I remember the fear in his eyes every time a pain would hit and I would brace myself against it and try to act like it didn't hurt. I remember telling him it was going to be bad but we would get through it. I remember trying to reassure him that I was ok. I remember him telling me he had a horrible headache from being startled awake. I remember telling him to drop me off at the ER and to go park the car. I remember walking into the ER, signing in and going to sit in the waiting area. I remember the nurse reading what I wrote on the sign in sheet and calling me right back up, putting me in a wheelchair and trying to whisk me off - I told her my husband was coming and I wanted to wait for him. I remember he came in and we rode upstairs. I remember getting to the floor and the clerk wasn't there so I sat, in pain and misery, in the hallway waiting for someone to see us. I remember trying to put Bobby at ease . I remember they finally came and got me. I remember the look on the doc's face as they did the ultrasound. I remember doing what I always do - I tried to make everyone else more comfortable - I remember telling them I knew it wasn't good so just tell me, I was prepared. I remember them telling me they couldn't find a heartbeat but they were going to have the attending physician check. I remember being glad that he was very matter of fact with me when he arrived and looked at the US image. I remember him explaining what I was seeing. That the placenta had detached - a placental abruption - and we had lost our child. I remember them asking if I took drugs. I remember saying absolutely not. I remember finding out later that they asked because an abruption is rare and the common cause is drug use. I remember getting more and more uncomfortable and asking Bobby to get the nurse. I remember them checking me. I remember closing my eyes and trying to process everything that was happening. I remember the doctors saying something about moving me while I was stable. I remember going to a delivery room. I remember delivering our baby. I remember Bobby being with me the whole time. I remember the silence in the room. I remember thinking that wasn't what childbirth was supposed to be like. I remember the doctors taking the baby away.  I remember someone telling us our baby was a boy.I remember Bobby asking if he could see him. I remember him telling me he was perfect - he was tiny but had everything - legs, arms, fingers, toes. I remember the nurse (whom I will forever love) asking if I wanted to see him. I told her I wasn't ready. I remember her telling me to let her know when I was. I remember saying yes, I remember holding our son. I remember crying with my husband.

Here's what I know. I know that we had a son whom we will not forget. I know his name was Christian Robert Doolin. I know that we suffered a loss that will stay with us forever. I know the body that betrayed me with our first child, produced two miracles that we were told we'd never have. I know that everyone has their own sorrows to deal with and, though painful, they become a part of you and make you who you are. I know what a really bad day is. I also know what a fabulous day is.I know that I'm very open about our loss and call our son by name. I know that every year I share our story in hopes that it will help someone else who has experienced a loss. The pain never leaves but it becomes manageable. Miracles can happen and you will survive even the most painful experiences - there is light on the other side.
I know that October 8th will be 5 years since our Christian was lost - I know time flies.