Five years

Possibly depressing post alert.  :-)
There are a couple of times per year that I put my heart out for everyone to see. This is one of them. April 2nd was the due date for our first child, a boy named Christian Robert, whom we lost in the second trimester of pregnancy.
I'm watching my two little ones play right now and my heart is filled with such love and joy. Every day it seems like there's a moment where it hits me that there should be 3 of them rather than just two. I still find myself wondering what he would have looked like, how much Gabriel would have looked up to (and irritated) his big brother, how both boys would have done such a great job looking out for their little sister. It just floors me that he would have turned 5 this year. Time really does fly. With all that we have been through, I'm fully aware of how blessed we are to have the family we do.
Well, I'm going to have cut this post short. My darling son saw a little tear in my eye while I was typing. He just came over to me and said, "Mommy, do you want to hold my hand?" I said, "Absolutely!!". then he asked, "Mommy, you want to come play with me?"  Sometimes he seems like a wise old soul at the ripe old age of 3.
I'm off!

A few new shots of the family

Rocking Chair

After my work day ended and before I picked up the kids today, I took a few minutes to sit in one of the rockers on our front porch. It's been a while since I was able to do that. As I was sitting there enjoying the moment, something hit me. Almost exactly 4 years ago I was sitting in the very same chair under very different circumstances. In the preceeding months, we had lost our first child during the second trimester of pregnancy, I left my job, I'd been diagnosed with a tumor (which had caused us to lose the baby), been through 3 surgical procedures - one of them major surgery, the subsequent recovery, and started a new job. That's a lot to handle in a few months but I was proud of how strong I'd been. I thought I was through the worst of it until Christian's due date arrived. All I remember about that time is crying and I'm not much of a weeper by nature. I'm sure I was in some stage of depression. In front of people I had everything together but while I was alone I couldn't contain my grief. Bobby didn't even see the worst of it. I was very good at keeping up appearances.For some reason, when the due date arrived I couldn't contain it anymore. I remember sitting in that rocking chair that April afternoon just sobbing and wondering what would happen next. The doctors told me after surgery that there was a very good possibility that we would not be able to get pregnant again. We hadn't yet had the tests to confirm that but we knew it was a possibility. I was broken hearted at the loss but also sad about the prospect of never having the opportunity to know the joy of having a child. I was sad because I might not be able to give Bobby the opportunity to be the fabulous father I always knew he would be. I was sad that I wouldn't be able to share my fabulous family with my children. I was angry that I felt my body had betrayed me after I felt I had done everything I could to prepare for pregnancy. I tried not to get into "why me" mode but there was a lot of anger and sorrow. It bothered me that there were women out there who got pregnant without trying, had uneventful pregnancies and could care less about their children.I could go on and on. You go through moments that test your faith.
After a very difficult April, we finally decided to call the doctor and schedule the test that would confirm whether we could conceive again. We decided it was better to go ahead and find out for sure. I thought it would help me move on if I knew for sure one way or the other. On May 15th I went for the test. The results were immediate and we were told that we would not be able to have a baby on our own. If we wanted to have children we would have to go through In Vitro. For whatever reason, the news put me at ease. At least I knew where we stood. For the next few weeks we considered in vitro and evaluated our finances to see if we could do it without going into debt. I also did a lot of thinking about the process. In the weeks after we lost Christian I was poked, prodded, examined, tested, had 2 outpatient procedures and a major operation. I wasn't sure I wanted to go through any more procedures. I was able to get an idea of what cancer patients feel when you hear that someone says they are just done with treatment. As much as I wanted children, I had just about decided I wasn't ready to deal with more doctors, needles and procedures. I thought it best to take some time before we made any decisions and that's what we did. We would wait before making the decision to pursue in vitro.
Sometimes life makes decisions for you. A few short weeks later, to my surprise and that of my "medical team", I found out I was pregnant with Master Gabriel. It just happned. No planning, no medical intervention. I was just pregnant...when I wasn't supposed to be. The point of putting all of this out there is that, while I was sitting in the rocking chair, I was reminded that no matter how bad you think things are, good things might be just around the corner. Of course, we would be faced with another test when Gabriel decided to show up 4 months early...but that story is for another day.
Love to all
ACD

A Soldier's Tragedy

So sad.

A Soldier's Tragedy

I look forward to a day...

...when my posts make no mention of illness. I am happy to report that this week's illness is not impacting my darling children. I have been the lucky victim this week. It started out innocently enough, I had an annoying runny nose last Saturday but it progressed into something nasty by Monday morning. I was having some difficulty catching my breath so I broke down and called for an appointment with my doctor. They were booked so I made an appointment for Tuesday. It didn't take long to decide that I couldn't wait until Tuesday. I went to urgent care and they diagnosed me with a nasty case of bronchitis and wrote 3 prescriptions for me. The most important being the steriods - that's what helped my breathing. I still sound like an 80 year old life-long smoker but I can breathe! I'm still working on my last few doses of the steriods but I'm done with my antibiotics. WHEW!
The kids are great. Gabriel did have a difficult time adjusting back into the school routine after getting so much time with me last week. It's always hard - he gets attached, and so do I. Other than that, all is well.
We are so sad to see the horrible things that have happened in Japan as well as on the west coast of the US. You just never know when those things are going to happen. It reminds me that we need to treat every day as the blessing that it is. Don't forget to tell the people you love how you feel and remember what's REALLY important. You might just discover that it is NOT the thing you've been stressing about.
Much love to all and we'll catch up with you again soon.
ACD

What a week!

Gabriel stayed home with me all week battling the bug. When I called the pediatrician they told me the virus could last 5-7 days. I'm happy to report that we turned a corner on day 6 and he's at about 99%. YAY!!!!!
Now Bobby, on the other hand, is at about 60%. He rarely gets sick but usually gets hit the hardest when he does get something.
Monday is going to be a bit of a challenge. Whenever Gabriel is out of school for any extended period, he has a hard time going back. He gets used to being with Mommy and it actually ends up being more difficult that his real first day of school. I'm bracing myself.
Miss Mattie is doing well. She continues to the be the social butterfly at school and little Miss Independent. She's going to be handful - who am I kidding? She's already a handful. She's a fiesty little thing.
I have some fun pics & videos to post so stay tuned.

Resting

A nap on his new silky pillow. He destroyed his old one. He loves his silky pillow!