Rocking Chair

After my work day ended and before I picked up the kids today, I took a few minutes to sit in one of the rockers on our front porch. It's been a while since I was able to do that. As I was sitting there enjoying the moment, something hit me. Almost exactly 4 years ago I was sitting in the very same chair under very different circumstances. In the preceeding months, we had lost our first child during the second trimester of pregnancy, I left my job, I'd been diagnosed with a tumor (which had caused us to lose the baby), been through 3 surgical procedures - one of them major surgery, the subsequent recovery, and started a new job. That's a lot to handle in a few months but I was proud of how strong I'd been. I thought I was through the worst of it until Christian's due date arrived. All I remember about that time is crying and I'm not much of a weeper by nature. I'm sure I was in some stage of depression. In front of people I had everything together but while I was alone I couldn't contain my grief. Bobby didn't even see the worst of it. I was very good at keeping up appearances.For some reason, when the due date arrived I couldn't contain it anymore. I remember sitting in that rocking chair that April afternoon just sobbing and wondering what would happen next. The doctors told me after surgery that there was a very good possibility that we would not be able to get pregnant again. We hadn't yet had the tests to confirm that but we knew it was a possibility. I was broken hearted at the loss but also sad about the prospect of never having the opportunity to know the joy of having a child. I was sad because I might not be able to give Bobby the opportunity to be the fabulous father I always knew he would be. I was sad that I wouldn't be able to share my fabulous family with my children. I was angry that I felt my body had betrayed me after I felt I had done everything I could to prepare for pregnancy. I tried not to get into "why me" mode but there was a lot of anger and sorrow. It bothered me that there were women out there who got pregnant without trying, had uneventful pregnancies and could care less about their children.I could go on and on. You go through moments that test your faith.
After a very difficult April, we finally decided to call the doctor and schedule the test that would confirm whether we could conceive again. We decided it was better to go ahead and find out for sure. I thought it would help me move on if I knew for sure one way or the other. On May 15th I went for the test. The results were immediate and we were told that we would not be able to have a baby on our own. If we wanted to have children we would have to go through In Vitro. For whatever reason, the news put me at ease. At least I knew where we stood. For the next few weeks we considered in vitro and evaluated our finances to see if we could do it without going into debt. I also did a lot of thinking about the process. In the weeks after we lost Christian I was poked, prodded, examined, tested, had 2 outpatient procedures and a major operation. I wasn't sure I wanted to go through any more procedures. I was able to get an idea of what cancer patients feel when you hear that someone says they are just done with treatment. As much as I wanted children, I had just about decided I wasn't ready to deal with more doctors, needles and procedures. I thought it best to take some time before we made any decisions and that's what we did. We would wait before making the decision to pursue in vitro.
Sometimes life makes decisions for you. A few short weeks later, to my surprise and that of my "medical team", I found out I was pregnant with Master Gabriel. It just happned. No planning, no medical intervention. I was just pregnant...when I wasn't supposed to be. The point of putting all of this out there is that, while I was sitting in the rocking chair, I was reminded that no matter how bad you think things are, good things might be just around the corner. Of course, we would be faced with another test when Gabriel decided to show up 4 months early...but that story is for another day.
Love to all
ACD